I'm currently reading a book about a widow. The Year of Pleasures, by Elizabeth Berg, is exceptional, like everything else I've read by her. I've been thinking a lot about death and what it would be like to lose Andy.
One day while riding our bikes, Andy and I took a detour through a cemetery. At the top of a hill we came to a stop and looked around at the tombstones bursting from the grass as the breeze rustled leaves in the large trees nearby. The cemetery was located in St. Charles, where we currently live in MO. Before moving here, we lived in Austin, TX. I cannot quite express why, but Texas felt like home. Neither of us were from there, but I remember very vividly the day I was preparing to turn onto the street where our first apartment was located with a car loaded down with boxes of pictures and clothes, and thinking as I waited to make my left turn, 'This is home.' I felt it so sure in my spirit, so clearly in my head, that it is still vivid in my mind twelve years later.
I was so excited to be there. Excited about our apartment, excited about this stage in life when Andy was starting graduate school, excited about meeting new people and exploring a new city. But I don't think that excitement is what generated that feeling of "home." I'm not sure what it was exactly, but I loved it.
Anyway, while looking at the graves and breathing in the summer air I asked Andy, "Where do you want to be buried?" His immediate response, "Austin."
When I asked the question, that same response was painted in my brain, but I was a little surprised that he said it so quickly and enthusiastically. As it stands, we are trying to find our way back to Texas. Who knows when and if it will happen, but hopefully one day it will.
Andy and I have talked about death before. Casually mentioning things we'd like done at our memorial services, how long we'd like to be in a coma if that were the case, and we've both decided we want to be cremated. Being cremated makes me wonder though about the "meeting place."
Two of my grandparents are cremated. Their ashes were not spread anywhere, but placed in a columbarium. So, there is a place to go and see them, so to speak. However, I'm a very practical person, and I just don't really see the sense in buying a plot or space to house my ashes. Yet, if there's no one place to visit me or vise versa, a place for me to visit Andy if God forbid he die first, I think I'd be sad.
This has made me realize we need to designate a meeting place. A place where we can go and know that the other person liked being there also. I don't think Andy would actually be there. But I do want to feel close to him. Isn't that the point of graves and columbariums? To feel close to the person whose remains are housed there?
Monday, December 11, 2017
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
On The Brink?
I went to China recently. No big thing. No big plan. My boss had earned enough free miles to send myself and a coworker there to see our factories and understand more about our business.
I am a part-time employee. My being there was not significant, or even really needed, it just worked out that it was a good time to go. So we went.
There is now a pin in my brain that is stuck there - holding the images, the people, the culture in my mind. For now I have that pin in the recesses of my brain, in a corner, that is dark, that I'd like to stay dark....and yet....
Over 15 years ago, I sat in a college advertising class and was given an assignment to do a PSA campaign. My partner was adamant that we choose "the adoption of older children," as our campaign. I was not impressed. I thought - that sounds boring, who cares, who would want to adopt an older child anyway, and let's not....and yet....she convinced me, and so we did the campaign, and a pin was stuck in my brain.
As far as Facebook tells me, my partner is married, no kids. Here I am, a couple months away from adopting a seven year old boy.
In China, I was struck by many things - the fact they use toothpicks after every meal at the table, there seem to be no real road rules and yet we only saw one accident were a woman was standing in the middle of road crying next to her broken scooter (no one stopping to help her I might add), and the amount of trash everywhere (at least in one city we were in).
But also, the poverty, the lostness, the money gods in the storefronts with food given and incense burning for the statue. I cried to Andy over Skype. My heart was breaking for these people, that I was ready to leave behind. Breaking for a culture that sometimes had me tightening my tongue and throat, clenching my teeth and closing my nose as to not breathe in my surroundings.
I've been asked if I'd like to go back to China. My response, "Once was enough," and yet the pin is there. I continue to think of it, and I wonder - once was enough for me, but will the Spirit inside me convince the rest of me otherwise. Time will tell...maybe 15 years...maybe not...but here is this blog, so if in time I am there again, I can look here and say, ah, yes. I was definitely on the brink.
Or, maybe this is like the pin in my brain about being a famous singer - because that never happened.
Well, at least not yet...;)
I am a part-time employee. My being there was not significant, or even really needed, it just worked out that it was a good time to go. So we went.
There is now a pin in my brain that is stuck there - holding the images, the people, the culture in my mind. For now I have that pin in the recesses of my brain, in a corner, that is dark, that I'd like to stay dark....and yet....
Over 15 years ago, I sat in a college advertising class and was given an assignment to do a PSA campaign. My partner was adamant that we choose "the adoption of older children," as our campaign. I was not impressed. I thought - that sounds boring, who cares, who would want to adopt an older child anyway, and let's not....and yet....she convinced me, and so we did the campaign, and a pin was stuck in my brain.
As far as Facebook tells me, my partner is married, no kids. Here I am, a couple months away from adopting a seven year old boy.
In China, I was struck by many things - the fact they use toothpicks after every meal at the table, there seem to be no real road rules and yet we only saw one accident were a woman was standing in the middle of road crying next to her broken scooter (no one stopping to help her I might add), and the amount of trash everywhere (at least in one city we were in).
But also, the poverty, the lostness, the money gods in the storefronts with food given and incense burning for the statue. I cried to Andy over Skype. My heart was breaking for these people, that I was ready to leave behind. Breaking for a culture that sometimes had me tightening my tongue and throat, clenching my teeth and closing my nose as to not breathe in my surroundings.
I've been asked if I'd like to go back to China. My response, "Once was enough," and yet the pin is there. I continue to think of it, and I wonder - once was enough for me, but will the Spirit inside me convince the rest of me otherwise. Time will tell...maybe 15 years...maybe not...but here is this blog, so if in time I am there again, I can look here and say, ah, yes. I was definitely on the brink.
Or, maybe this is like the pin in my brain about being a famous singer - because that never happened.
Well, at least not yet...;)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
I don't know how to have the conversation. I am to love all people. We are all sinners. Why aren't liars, and cheaters denied rights. What exactly is a right? Is entitlement to healthcare b/c of marriage, or taxes as a married couple rights?? I think they're more opportunities afforded based on a status. So, if someone is in a homosexual relationship, then should they be afforded the opportunities aligned with marriage?
If someone steals, they are denied the opportunity to continue living in their home b/c they will be living in jail. So, you might say, if you are not really married, because marriage is between a man and woman, then you should forgo the opportunities that marriage affords you. Thus the need to redefine marriage. Hmph. I can call and apple an orange all I want, but it doesn't make it so. But I don't know that I'd deny an orange the opportunity to be in a pie. I'm not sure it would make a very good pie...
But looking at a spiritual perspective - why not deny gluttons (uh, hello, America), civil liberties?
Why was it not possible to allow gays to have the civil liberties as heterosexuals without "redefining" marriage? And at that point are we splitting hairs? Did we technically redefine marriage anyway or really just say gay couples that are "married" can now pursue X.
I was very disheartened at an image displayed on ABC's evening news today. A woman held a sign that said "OVERTURNED." She was ecstatic. The image above the word "overturned" was of a man and a woman with two kids between them, inverted. The "family" was upside down. To me, that goes beyond just wanting to be seen as an equal. To me that is a destructive, vindictive sign, showing an obvious desire to turn typical families literally on their heads. That is very disturbing. Why in your victory must you also destroy?
I am so sad. So sad......I want so bad to hear Jesus' heart on this. I wonder what questions He would pose to expose the root issues that lay in our hearts.
God, help me as I lead a son in this world. Help me help him navigate the murky waters of tolerance and truth. Amen.
If someone steals, they are denied the opportunity to continue living in their home b/c they will be living in jail. So, you might say, if you are not really married, because marriage is between a man and woman, then you should forgo the opportunities that marriage affords you. Thus the need to redefine marriage. Hmph. I can call and apple an orange all I want, but it doesn't make it so. But I don't know that I'd deny an orange the opportunity to be in a pie. I'm not sure it would make a very good pie...
But looking at a spiritual perspective - why not deny gluttons (uh, hello, America), civil liberties?
Why was it not possible to allow gays to have the civil liberties as heterosexuals without "redefining" marriage? And at that point are we splitting hairs? Did we technically redefine marriage anyway or really just say gay couples that are "married" can now pursue X.
I was very disheartened at an image displayed on ABC's evening news today. A woman held a sign that said "OVERTURNED." She was ecstatic. The image above the word "overturned" was of a man and a woman with two kids between them, inverted. The "family" was upside down. To me, that goes beyond just wanting to be seen as an equal. To me that is a destructive, vindictive sign, showing an obvious desire to turn typical families literally on their heads. That is very disturbing. Why in your victory must you also destroy?
I am so sad. So sad......I want so bad to hear Jesus' heart on this. I wonder what questions He would pose to expose the root issues that lay in our hearts.
God, help me as I lead a son in this world. Help me help him navigate the murky waters of tolerance and truth. Amen.
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Shameless Sham
This morning has been an interesting one. After listening to a rooter crow his heart out in the post office as he waited to be picked up by his new owner, I went shopping at one of my favorite stores - Gordman's. While there, I witnessed a 20 something woman get caught shoplifting.
She purchased something and started walking out of the store. The man standing in front of me put his item to purchase on a shelf and quickly started to follow her. As soon as she walked out the door, the man BOLTED - I mean he was fast! Then he came back in the store with her and I could hear him telling her they'd call the cops if she didn't do something (not sure what he said as he was trying to be discreet).
I'll admit when he first got out of line to see what the girl was doing and then bolted after her, I thought - 'Wow. He must really want to go out with her and get her number.' Then it all became clear as the workers kept looking over their shoulders at the situation, and I heard comments like,
"She deserves it."
"She's done it before."
"We got a call from our other store to watch for her."
I also overheard another 20 something woman with multi-colored streaks in her hair at the register next to me say, "That's embarrassing." Like she felt sorry for the shoplifter.
A part of me felt sorry for the woman, too, because I was thinking - it couldn't have been much if it fit in her purse, and apparently she couldn't even afford pants! Thedress shirt she'd pulled down, hardly covered her. Now, in her defense, I have the shirt she had on and wondered if I too could pull it down over leggings and qualify it as a dress. But I've never done that because I don't think it's a good look for a mid-thirties me.:) But, I digress....
The other customer's comment snagged my brain.
Whenever something snags my brain I try to find out why. This time I came up with this:
The shoplifter SHOULD be embarrassed. She should feel shame. What she did was wrong.
I think as our world gets more PC, and trained to be more sensitive, we have lost the desire to see anyone hurt. Or be embarrassed. And in the light of those good things - being more socially aware, and caring - we have let shame slip away.
I think we need shame. Just like we need pain. No one likes to hurt, but pain is actually a good thing! As Philip Yancy describes in his books, The Gift Nobody Wants, and The Gift of Pain, pain actually is what alerts us that something is wrong. Diabetics don't get their feet amputated because they quit working. Diabetics get their feet amputated because they got a sore they didn't FEEL, and then got a raging infection that caused the need for the amputation. Pain is good. I think shame is good, too.
Shame is our conscience's pain. It's the hurt we feel inside when we've done something morally or ethically wrong. It makes us feel convicted. It shows us that there is a better way. That whatever we did is not good for us, or someone else, and we need to correct the action or the hurting will continue.
Shame points us to God. The only way to really get rid of shame is to be forgiven. Most of us know that when we've hurt a friend or a loved one and we've asked for forgiveness and it is extended by the one we hurt - it makes us feel better. Imagine, what forgiveness feels like from the One that made you. The One who set that trigger inside us to know and feel shame. He did that because He knows a better way to live. He wants us to steer clear of those things that hurt us not only physically, but spiritually, too. And He can take that shame. He offers forgiveness.
I hope that we as a society don't fall into the sham of shamelessness. I hope that we can instead come along side those that have made mistakes, or done something shameful, and love them and help them as they experience consequences, and show them a better way. Because, really, we're all shameful. We all need help.
She purchased something and started walking out of the store. The man standing in front of me put his item to purchase on a shelf and quickly started to follow her. As soon as she walked out the door, the man BOLTED - I mean he was fast! Then he came back in the store with her and I could hear him telling her they'd call the cops if she didn't do something (not sure what he said as he was trying to be discreet).
I'll admit when he first got out of line to see what the girl was doing and then bolted after her, I thought - 'Wow. He must really want to go out with her and get her number.' Then it all became clear as the workers kept looking over their shoulders at the situation, and I heard comments like,
"She deserves it."
"She's done it before."
"We got a call from our other store to watch for her."
I also overheard another 20 something woman with multi-colored streaks in her hair at the register next to me say, "That's embarrassing." Like she felt sorry for the shoplifter.
A part of me felt sorry for the woman, too, because I was thinking - it couldn't have been much if it fit in her purse, and apparently she couldn't even afford pants! The
The other customer's comment snagged my brain.
Whenever something snags my brain I try to find out why. This time I came up with this:
The shoplifter SHOULD be embarrassed. She should feel shame. What she did was wrong.
I think as our world gets more PC, and trained to be more sensitive, we have lost the desire to see anyone hurt. Or be embarrassed. And in the light of those good things - being more socially aware, and caring - we have let shame slip away.
I think we need shame. Just like we need pain. No one likes to hurt, but pain is actually a good thing! As Philip Yancy describes in his books, The Gift Nobody Wants, and The Gift of Pain, pain actually is what alerts us that something is wrong. Diabetics don't get their feet amputated because they quit working. Diabetics get their feet amputated because they got a sore they didn't FEEL, and then got a raging infection that caused the need for the amputation. Pain is good. I think shame is good, too.
Shame is our conscience's pain. It's the hurt we feel inside when we've done something morally or ethically wrong. It makes us feel convicted. It shows us that there is a better way. That whatever we did is not good for us, or someone else, and we need to correct the action or the hurting will continue.
Shame points us to God. The only way to really get rid of shame is to be forgiven. Most of us know that when we've hurt a friend or a loved one and we've asked for forgiveness and it is extended by the one we hurt - it makes us feel better. Imagine, what forgiveness feels like from the One that made you. The One who set that trigger inside us to know and feel shame. He did that because He knows a better way to live. He wants us to steer clear of those things that hurt us not only physically, but spiritually, too. And He can take that shame. He offers forgiveness.
I hope that we as a society don't fall into the sham of shamelessness. I hope that we can instead come along side those that have made mistakes, or done something shameful, and love them and help them as they experience consequences, and show them a better way. Because, really, we're all shameful. We all need help.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
You found this 'cause why?
That title makes me laugh. It just sounds so grammatically gruesome. But, I do wonder...if you stumbled upon this blog because you were searching for something - what was it? What did you Google, or Bing, or Yahoo, that led you here? I haven't posted in quite some time - maybe 2 years? Yet I see that people keep stumbling upon this blog, so I'm wondering what it is that draws them here.
If you read this - PLEASE - leave me a comment about what brought you to Mind Menagerie.
I only have one follower - Hi Ash!- so all the other views are driven by something, but what?
Anyhow, I think I will pick up this blog again, though. I'd like a place to sort through whatever. Lately I've been considering a lot of theological issues. I'm a Christian, but as I've aged, my views on God, grace, and salvation have been changing. I like to think I'm getting more like Christ. We're all supposed to, right? That is the purpose. So....this will be the place I sort my thoughts. With that in mind, please don't think that if I post it on Tuesday, I will still hold the opinion on Thursday. :)
I love that God welcomes questions. I love that He is intellectually superior and doesn't get angry with an earnest seeker. So, here I will try to find more of His wisdom. More of His heart. Why, because I truly believe that God created man to know Him. He wants me to know Him. And the thought of the Almighty God inviting me to know Him, honestly, makes my heart beat a little faster.
Well, that's all for now! Bye, Ash! And all you other one time droppers by! I hope you'll drop by again.:)
:)
If you read this - PLEASE - leave me a comment about what brought you to Mind Menagerie.
I only have one follower - Hi Ash!- so all the other views are driven by something, but what?
Anyhow, I think I will pick up this blog again, though. I'd like a place to sort through whatever. Lately I've been considering a lot of theological issues. I'm a Christian, but as I've aged, my views on God, grace, and salvation have been changing. I like to think I'm getting more like Christ. We're all supposed to, right? That is the purpose. So....this will be the place I sort my thoughts. With that in mind, please don't think that if I post it on Tuesday, I will still hold the opinion on Thursday. :)
I love that God welcomes questions. I love that He is intellectually superior and doesn't get angry with an earnest seeker. So, here I will try to find more of His wisdom. More of His heart. Why, because I truly believe that God created man to know Him. He wants me to know Him. And the thought of the Almighty God inviting me to know Him, honestly, makes my heart beat a little faster.
Well, that's all for now! Bye, Ash! And all you other one time droppers by! I hope you'll drop by again.:)
:)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Since noone reads this blog, that I'm aware of, I thought it a good place to put some thoughts that are swarming in my head, day after day after day...
What is best for A? Is it to go w/ Grandma? Should we back out of the picture. We truly want what is best for her, but we have questions about Grandma. Things that just cause concern....If it's true that you were nowhere to be found for 9 mo's b/c biomom said things were going well and she was getting her home soon, why still would you not ask to meet your grandbaby?? I don't know.
My heart is aching. Each day seems excruciatingly long now not knowing if she's staying or leaving. Every happy moment is bitter at the same time. Her first steps, tainted w/ thoughts of, "will she still be here when she first runs?" Her laughter w/ thoughts of, "will she laugh like this with them?"
And the truth of that answer is yes. Of course she'll laugh there. Of course it will be an adjustment, but still, she is soooo young, she will adapt and be fine. She'll never remember us. Never even know we existed. Not even be aware of who blanketed her in kisses and cuddles each day.
They say (they being the court people) the fact she's been with us over 9 months before grandma came forward is a good thing b/c it gives us more chance to keep her. But really, in the scheme of a lifetime, do a couple of months make a differnce?? What if g-ma had shown up 5 weeks earlier?? Then, would Aniah already be gone? And if so, then honestly, shouldn't she go with gma now?
In my IDEAL vision I see us adopting Aniah. G-ma acting as g-ma, and Aniah getting to know her sister and cousins. I see having her sister over for dinners and babysitting. I see us going to g-mas house to deliver Christmas presents.
I want all of that, but even more than that I want A to be in the home where she will know God, and where He will be glorified most. Maybe that means her leaving. And if she does, then I have to fix my focus on His plan, His ways. They are much higher than my own. He loves her more. He knows her best. My wisest thought is foolishness to Him, so I must quit spinning my wheels and quit trying to manipulate, figure out, process the outcome of this struggle. I must surrender. I must. And writing all of this here is an effort to get it out of my mind.
It's an impossible ache. Like the future you cannot see has one arm, and the way things were in the past has the other, but your feet where you are have nothing under them, nowhere to stand. It's exhausting. I'm ready to stand again. To gain traction. To move on. Not much longer now...They say we should know by Nov. 30. I hope that is true.
I just pray that the decision is very clear to ALL involved. I would love for them to come back and tell us it's a unanimous vote. That's what I'm praying for. One way or another, but unanimous all around. Amen.
What is best for A? Is it to go w/ Grandma? Should we back out of the picture. We truly want what is best for her, but we have questions about Grandma. Things that just cause concern....If it's true that you were nowhere to be found for 9 mo's b/c biomom said things were going well and she was getting her home soon, why still would you not ask to meet your grandbaby?? I don't know.
My heart is aching. Each day seems excruciatingly long now not knowing if she's staying or leaving. Every happy moment is bitter at the same time. Her first steps, tainted w/ thoughts of, "will she still be here when she first runs?" Her laughter w/ thoughts of, "will she laugh like this with them?"
And the truth of that answer is yes. Of course she'll laugh there. Of course it will be an adjustment, but still, she is soooo young, she will adapt and be fine. She'll never remember us. Never even know we existed. Not even be aware of who blanketed her in kisses and cuddles each day.
They say (they being the court people) the fact she's been with us over 9 months before grandma came forward is a good thing b/c it gives us more chance to keep her. But really, in the scheme of a lifetime, do a couple of months make a differnce?? What if g-ma had shown up 5 weeks earlier?? Then, would Aniah already be gone? And if so, then honestly, shouldn't she go with gma now?
In my IDEAL vision I see us adopting Aniah. G-ma acting as g-ma, and Aniah getting to know her sister and cousins. I see having her sister over for dinners and babysitting. I see us going to g-mas house to deliver Christmas presents.
I want all of that, but even more than that I want A to be in the home where she will know God, and where He will be glorified most. Maybe that means her leaving. And if she does, then I have to fix my focus on His plan, His ways. They are much higher than my own. He loves her more. He knows her best. My wisest thought is foolishness to Him, so I must quit spinning my wheels and quit trying to manipulate, figure out, process the outcome of this struggle. I must surrender. I must. And writing all of this here is an effort to get it out of my mind.
It's an impossible ache. Like the future you cannot see has one arm, and the way things were in the past has the other, but your feet where you are have nothing under them, nowhere to stand. It's exhausting. I'm ready to stand again. To gain traction. To move on. Not much longer now...They say we should know by Nov. 30. I hope that is true.
I just pray that the decision is very clear to ALL involved. I would love for them to come back and tell us it's a unanimous vote. That's what I'm praying for. One way or another, but unanimous all around. Amen.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
tidbits
So, here are some tidbits that have been swirling in my head the past few days. Totally random.
Here goes...
I feel like I'm improving as a songwriter, yet still have far to go.
I'm glad I joined Weight Watchers and am no longer ashamed to say I'm in it.
I still hate to decide what to make for dinner.
Found out one of the clinicians at WAJ has a brother in Karate Kid, which I happened to watch on TV the other night. Crazy!
I'm extremely happy that my son enjoys going to his preschool and am more happy than sad that when I come to get him he'd rather stay and play with his friends.
I look forward to meeting my Savior and sometimes wonder if it will be sooner than I think.
Well, that's it for today.:)
Here goes...
I feel like I'm improving as a songwriter, yet still have far to go.
I'm glad I joined Weight Watchers and am no longer ashamed to say I'm in it.
I still hate to decide what to make for dinner.
Found out one of the clinicians at WAJ has a brother in Karate Kid, which I happened to watch on TV the other night. Crazy!
I'm extremely happy that my son enjoys going to his preschool and am more happy than sad that when I come to get him he'd rather stay and play with his friends.
I look forward to meeting my Savior and sometimes wonder if it will be sooner than I think.
Well, that's it for today.:)
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