Since noone reads this blog, that I'm aware of, I thought it a good place to put some thoughts that are swarming in my head, day after day after day...

What is best for A? Is it to go w/ Grandma? Should we back out of the picture. We truly want what is best for her, but we have questions about Grandma. Things that just cause concern....If it's true that you were nowhere to be found for 9 mo's b/c biomom said things were going well and she was getting her home soon, why still would you not ask to meet your grandbaby?? I don't know.

My heart is aching. Each day seems excruciatingly long now not knowing if she's staying or leaving. Every happy moment is bitter at the same time. Her first steps, tainted w/ thoughts of, "will she still be here when she first runs?" Her laughter w/ thoughts of, "will she laugh like this with them?"
And the truth of that answer is yes. Of course she'll laugh there. Of course it will be an adjustment, but still, she is soooo young, she will adapt and be fine. She'll never remember us. Never even know we existed. Not even be aware of who blanketed her in kisses and cuddles each day.
They say (they being the court people) the fact she's been with us over 9 months before grandma came forward is a good thing b/c it gives us more chance to keep her. But really, in the scheme of a lifetime, do a couple of months make a differnce?? What if g-ma had shown up 5 weeks earlier?? Then, would Aniah already be gone? And if so, then honestly, shouldn't she go with gma now?
In my IDEAL vision I see us adopting Aniah. G-ma acting as g-ma, and Aniah getting to know her sister and cousins. I see having her sister over for dinners and babysitting. I see us going to g-mas house to deliver Christmas presents.
I want all of that, but even more than that I want A to be in the home where she will know God, and where He will be glorified most. Maybe that means her leaving. And if she does, then I have to fix my focus on His plan, His ways. They are much higher than my own. He loves her more. He knows her best. My wisest thought is foolishness to Him, so I must quit spinning my wheels and quit trying to manipulate, figure out, process the outcome of this struggle. I must surrender. I must. And writing all of this here is an effort to get it out of my mind.
It's an impossible ache. Like the future you cannot see has one arm, and the way things were in the past has the other, but your feet where you are have nothing under them, nowhere to stand. It's exhausting. I'm ready to stand again. To gain traction. To move on. Not much longer now...They say we should know by Nov. 30. I hope that is true.
I just pray that the decision is very clear to ALL involved. I would love for them to come back and tell us it's a unanimous vote. That's what I'm praying for. One way or another, but unanimous all around. Amen.